November 26, 2015

Thanksgiving Review

Today I'm humorously thankful for preemptive Thanksgiving last weekend, new tires, good sense, and no need to travel any further than my couch.

But mostly, I'm also thankful for a new job that has, without hyperbole, changed my life for the better. I'm thankful to have the sort of life that allows for first world problems. I'm thankful for the death of green eye'd dragons so as to allow me to live within my means. I'm thankful for patience, tolerance, humility, and the knowledge of when to set them aside. I'm thankful for 2 minutes to midnight conversations, because they for allow nights on the couch, alone together. I'm thankful for low maintenance friends, and the texture of life translating into wisdom to share. I'm happy to be driven crazy, because we usually get there by way of the scenic route. I'm thankful to be asked "Do you hate them?" and being able to answer, "No. If anything, I'm sad for both of us.". I am thankful that this year has thus far, been monumental and tedious. But mostly, I'm thankful for all the reasons and the ways I can do and be so much more than this.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. May your list be richer still!

November 24, 2015

Google Voice & The Landline For Life

It seems like every month I get a mailing from my internet provider telling me they can save me all this money on a landline.  I know I’ve told them on the phone more than unless they can beat free, their price is going to be too high.  A dozen or more mailing later, I've decided that their marketing department is perfectly ok with throwing money away, so I'm going to help others help them do just that for under $100.

October 19, 2015

Fix My Little, Pink Bathroom

Today, thanks to pressure from the city, my bathroom doesn’t look so much like a cross between a set from Saw and a burlesque show anymore.  The grout was stained and flaking, there was a poorly repaired hole in the ceiling, and the wooden windowsill in the shower was black with a questionable substance I didn’t really want to touch.  But, I’m getting ahead of myself.  Let me start from the beginning.

October 12, 2015

Zensuous Fire

I have recently rediscovered my inner volcano.  In a few moment of fervor, these sentiments came to me.  I felt engorged with determination and focus.  My words flew through my head faster than my fingers could compose them.  Eventually, the following emerged.  I plan to remember these sentiments the next time I feel small, powerless, or inferior. 

October 2, 2015

Here, Take This With You

I'm usually in my own world when I walk home. Today though, as I passed the dialysis clinic, I heard "Hey dear. Hey. Take this with you."

When I looked over, one of the transport drivers for MOBY was standing there, extending his hand for a handshake. He was happy, his handshake firm, and his hands were soft.  It was a completely unexpected random act of kindness. The whole exchange put a smile on my face. There is good in the world after all.

September 27, 2015

F 7, U 12

Woke up around 4:00 AM to the sound of an animal puking. Kicked the dog off the bed before she got all of her mess on the covers. That's when I found the cold pee spot with my foot.

Stripped the bed, set up the washer, and found another cold pee spot in the living room. Threw some water and a towel on that, started the wash, and went back to bed. 20 minutes later, I heard the sound of the sink running over. Got that cleaned up and went back to bed. 8:30, I was up, steam cleaning the carpet when I discover the cat has poop stuck on her tail. Chased the cat around with scissors and the furminator and successfully de-crapped a cat.

At 10:30, the laundry was done enough to put the bed back together. (Minus the comforter hanging to dry over the shower curtain rod.) That's when I found a hole in my set of new sheets.
Ok Universe. I see you've put alot of thought into this. You may have precisely one Fuck of mine today. Just don't ruin your dinner.

September 7, 2015

The Fruits of His Red Pen

Author's note:  Thanks to my twitter friend @boddenbooks prodding me that I should be writing, this got a makeover yesterday.  Thunderhead helped me with the editing, and I'm happier with how it flows.  For you history/unsolved crimes fans, here's the updated DB Cooper story I've been working on.

December 14th, 1971, two figures are seated around a metal table in a small, neglected Seattle police precinct.  The second coming of John Dillinger had recently taken a $200,000 swan dive out of a 727. Law enforcement is doing everything they could to find the culprit and any accomplices.   
The windowless room, lit by a single buzzing fluorescent light, contained three men. The youngest has the look of a marine corps dropout, his blond hair cropped, his shirt pressed. He wears a permanent scowl that was more a scar than a mouth.  His shoulders share, and pacing like a pit fighter waiting for the bell.  His partner, Douglas Graham, sat facing the third man.

March 9, 2015

While My Uterus Gently Weeps

I said I wasn't going to do this anymore.  I am a filthy liar.  It wasn't the overtures so much.  "U horny" hardly offends me.  If anything, it pales in comparison to some of the more colorful compliments I've been paid; better blowjobs than gay men, a machine, and provider of the most in-person orgasms in a 6 hour period.  To these, I say "Damn straight".  What got me involved at all was boredom, and claws that hadn't been filed in a while.  A lack of chocolate to pacify the raging red dot in my pants might also have played a bit part.

Without further ado, I give you the latest product of the American educational system trying to get laid.

March 1, 2015

Taxes, Discounts, and Black Sheep Jews

Our conversation started with, "You know, if you have a bunch of these to mail, you can save a dollar on each of them if the address windows are landscape instead of portrait."

I ventured out to mail my tax documents to my accountant, and due to the hour, found myself at a grocery store with a postal substation.  Yes, he's in the same city, and yes, I'm using the postal service instead of dropping them off.  Time, space, speed limits, and laws of physics make it hard to do it otherwise.

February 24, 2015

Social Justice Ally

Let's talk about Social Justice Warriors.  I haven't had words for this before now, but I think my thoughts are baked enough so that the batter no longer sticks to the toothpick.

Quick!  Let's play a word association game!  What do you think of when you hear cis-gendered, gamergate, privilege,  <noun> shaming, and victim blame?

If you're like me, concepts like minefield, Kobayashi Maru, or "not with a 10 foot pole" spring readily to mind.  Ms. Ephemily has some strong opinions, but also tries to take "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak up and remove all doubt" to heart.  In the realm of the Social Justice Warrior, I am but an observer.  Because, as the sage Sweet Brown said of the drama and backlash, "ain't nobody got time for that!".

Care to know why?  Cue Encyclopedia Dramatica and their vitriolic categorization of the SJW.

February 22, 2015

Fifty Shades of Lights, Darks, and Delicates

Thursday night, I didn't notice the washer stop mid- cycle.  To be fair, my kitchen is loud, especially when all of the appliances are running.  And that night, I had the dishwasher, clothes washer, and dryer all going at the same time.  One less source of noise had little consequence on the overall cacophony of domestic life.  At first, I didn't realize that silence was a death knell.  I thought it was another minor inconvenience.  But, before we get too far down the rabbit hole, let me tell you the story of how I managed to stuff a house's worth of appliances into a 2 bedroom apartment.