8 . 21
. 96
Conversations Over Dinner & A Boyz II Men Goodbye
“no no… you
talk about yourself”
& you
pause to tell me that came out wrong
I
understood. No insult, no injury
“What I mean
is that you talk around how you feel.”
through a
mostly chewed mouthful of shrimp.
I guess I
didn’t know
“now that I
think about it, there are two of me”
you raise
your eyebrow and put down your scallop
“There’s
mousy me & the loud obnoxious me”
I’m the
mouse tonight
pick, pick
“excuse me
miss! Could I have some more lemon?”
The evening
is warm
and by hook
or by crook we made it!
Well, we
made half our plans
Quasi will
have to wait
for video it
seems
We hold
hands on the drive to your car
You follow
me home, the first time your car is in my drive.
As you step
out of your car
“Do you
really find it necessary to drive 85 down the highway?”
“Don’t be
silly. I was only doing 70.”
“No, that
was definitely 85.”
“Huh... My speedometer must be off...”
Clunk
I throw my
shoes on the radiator
So I’m
sitting on the couch
stretched
out really
barefoot
with a
blanket over my legs
with newly
found VCR remote in hand
we play
video clue
and
candyland for ages 3-6
“Come on…
Humor me.”
I whine and
grumble
probably
more than I should
but play
All the
while I wonder many insecurities
will you
honestly miss me?
Oh god I
hope
one sided
love is the pits
& we
pseudo spoon
me on my
back and you on your side
& it
smacks me
right upside
the head
how much I
love your body and how you hold it against me
how well I
know your eye color
caramel brown and the lids just barely
cover the pupils’ edge.
How good you
smell tonight
these things
I could never say
I’m awful
with compliments
they always
come out wrong
after you’ve
warned me you’re turning the light on
we stand
there
I want to
cling to you, pretend I don’t have to leave
I’m not actress and I can’t’ forget
my thoughts
timed to a funeral dirge
“ya have a
Boyz II Men cd?”
“No”
and I think,
that was my graduating class’ song, or was it 94’s.
“Do you mean
it?”
“what?”
“Your Boyz
II Men reference.”
Silence
yes by default
we walk,
disheveled, and more than a little sad
through my
dark house
towards the
all too symbolic looking front door.
I walk out
with you
to your
brand new car
I’m so happy for you
I’m so happy with you
I wobble a
little, my bare feet on cement
your eyes
are darker and at half mast
from both sentiment and fatigue
neither of
us want for you to open that door
that really
would be goodbye
I think so
loudly, I’ll miss you
“well,” you
start, “we’ll always have e-mail”
you and I
both give a well educated laugh
not enough
“that is” I
declare “I’m sending you a phone card.”
that seemed
to go over well.
Somewhere, I
forget exactly when
but you who
closes up tight
rarely lets
down your guard
admit to me
first, in a real voice,
“I love
you.”
I am stunned
I am shocked
I hold you
closer and confess the same
“Now, no
messing around at school.”
“ok”
“Well, I
don’t know what you want...”
“you.”
“huh?”
“I want
you.”
sigh
I made you
swear and promise me
no cheerleaders
and you
argued that if you couldn’t have cheerleaders
I could have
no lesbians.
Agreed love.
You’re tired
and you work at noon
but my
spirits rise when
you swear
you’ll try extra hard
to rise from
the dead to see me off in the pre-dawn morning
I’ve never
had a send off
not a
welcome home crowd of 1-20
it’s hope
assurance
that I matter
you climb in
your car
kiss me once
more and I step back just to look at you
you mouth
the words
“I love you”
and I
“I love you
too.”
knowing it
must end sometime
you start
your car and I turn around
clutching
the always-too-long sleeves of my dress
I walk
through my front door as you pull through the gate
I turn out
the lights and lock the door
closure
for the
evening, only the evening.
My last 3:00
a.m. getting home night is over
I walk
upstairs to my room
and the
stairs creak as usual
my room, I
grab a shirt and boxers
change
a sophomore
in college
18 years old
& I grab my teddy-bear
surrogate
I climb in
bed
& lay on
my side
fetus like
my left hip
is tight
reminding me
of the shot in the arse
I got for
when I come home
Lisa’s quote
comes to mind and I smile
looking
forward, past the future,
to them
both.
Till next
& ever
he watches
her
as she folds
at the waist and grabs her feet
her hair
slides over itself as she looks up
the dimmest
ray of light
refracts in
her eyes
tonight,
they are watery blue
she gives
him that womanlook
endearing, I
love you, melt with me
from and
independent part-time feminist
already, you
own me
so long as I
can
you
body, mind,
soul
I work with
you
you laugh
with me
I teach you
what I know
you spoil me
rotten