February 28, 2012

Scurvycast - Ungrounded Vibrators

It's been a while since I've been a Scurvy Girl.  But, I was able to make amends last week when Dave and Tim asked if I'd like to do another guest spot.  Of course I did.  So, while the podcast doesn't go live till tomorrow, here's a preview blog post.


Death By Direct Mail

Dear local photographers,

Perhaps my previous heart wrenching and yet entirely false letter asking for you to stop sending me offers to have my non-existent child photographed at your studio missed the mark.  Actually, I know it did because I got my 9th one in the mail yesterday.  Seriously, you guys are better stalkers than some of the creeps I’ve met through online dating.  I mean, you’ve followed me for three addresses now!  

On top of this weird, clingy behavior of yours, you really need to check your sources when you buy these mailing lists of yours.  I’m very open about the fact that in 2008, I was sterilized.  At this point, it’s almost like a tagline:  “Ephemily; fixed but not declawed”.  You’re wasting money sending me this stuff.  Now, to be honest, that part doesn’t matter to me.  What does, however, is the fact that several of my mommy friends have commented that they don’t get these same fliers.  And let me tell you, they are getting pissed off that kids I don’t even have are getting more attention than their flesh and blood offspring.  (I worry about my safety, you know.  Angry Mommies scare me.)  I mean, what message does that send?

Think about it.  Your fliers appeal to the vanity in your potential clients.  You want them to cling to the belief that their child is so attractive that Americans who don’t even know them will put up shrines in their living rooms to them.  So, when you repeatedly send these appeals for “baby model search 2012” to a childless woman, you’re telling everyone else, “Fuck you AND your crotch dropping.  Her potential is better than what you already have.  We’ll wait.”.  Is that really how you want to treat your audience?  And this is coming from a government help desk employee with visions of grandeur to become a BOFH, don’t forget.  

In the end, I’m asking the same as I have been from the beginning; take me off your mailing lists, please.  I can promise you that your money will serve you better spent elsewhere.

February 27, 2012

Thank Goodness For Nosy Neighbors

You know, there's something about a neighbor who pokes his head out of his front window to ask if everything's ok when you're packing up your (empty) dog kennels into the back of a truck.  Some people might think that's nosy, but to me it's like being accepted into the building's "family".  It sounds strange, but you know, it feels like this is where I belong to know that I have people around me who give a shit enough to do something so simple, you know?  Anyway, Jason, if you're reading this (I know you googled "Ephemily".  It's possible.) thanks.  Best welcoming committee ever.

February 26, 2012

Conversation With My Mother, The Converted Jew

I was having a conversation with my mom earlier today, when the topic of moving my stuff for my curio cabinet came up.  It was her opinion that maybe I shouldn’t have that stuff in my apartment in case it gets robbed.  Well, what’s the point of having this stuff if you never use it?

February 24, 2012

One Camel Short of a Nomad

I swear, this is the last time I'm moving for a very VERY long time.  At least, if I have anything to say about it that is.  I found the perfect place for me.  It's a 2 bedroom apartment in an older building close to midtown that let me keep both my dogs.  Since what became *my* apartment wasn't available to look at, I saw the one across the hall from me.  It was lovely.  Exactly what I wanted.  The building has central air, grounded outlets, hardwood floors, and character.  YES!  Then moving day happened.  Oh lord.

February 20, 2012

Maternity Wear

I was in the tub, getting ready for the show tonight when I had this momentarily terrifying thought.  What if the dress I wanted to wear for tonight's performance is maternity wear?  There's that little place in the front where it gathers where it just might be designed for the pregnant belly.  Then I sank into the bubbles, grinned, and realized how completely appropriate in an Ephemily sort of way it is to do a show about how love sucks in a maternity dress.  So, decision made for the wardrobe tonight.

Be there.  Say you've been in the presence of greatness.  Oh, and I'll be there too.

Day of The Show: Love Gone Wrong

AaaaaaAAAAaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAaaaah!  (It's the Doppler effect from me running around in a panic.)  Here it is, the day of my show, and I have done exactly nothing productive to get ready for it.  Fantastic.

I know, I know.  I've had a long absence recently.  Well, here's the thing, between moving a couple weeks ago and getting into a relationship I've been (getting) busy recently.  So, pardon the absence.

However, today is February show day!  The theme is Love Gone Wrong.  As always, the show is free, but all proceeds will go to support a good cause.  This month, in keeping with the theme, we're donating our time and humor, you're donating your money or time to the local Domestic Violence Crisis Center.   We will be streaming the action online, yes, but if you're on the fence about going to the Pizza Shoppe Collective in Benson tonight, consider this.  If my hypothetical set list, and the hints I've heard from the other performers is any indication, I think it's gonna be a doozy of a show.  So much so, I'm going to break that wall of secrecy and post one of the photos that I want to use tonight as a background.  If you were ever wondering, I give you, Ephemily in the flesh.