June 10, 2019

Leap Into My Own Arms

I took a leap today. A pretty big one, on a couple of levels. I quit the job I had been doing for 9 days. I left before training was even over. That little voice in the back of my head rode in on my gut, screaming, clanging the dinner bell, and dragging every pot and pan in the kitchen behind them, telling me to get while the getting was good.
But this post isn't about the job, or reasons for leaving. It's about self trust, self respect, and having reasonable standards for how you're to be treated and with whom you're associated.

From both in front of the velvet rope, and behind, there's been a real exodus of people from my life in the last year or so. The part of me that was unhealed from past trauma let negative thinking take over, and wonder if I wasn't doing something to chase people away or kicking people out of my bubble for no good reason. That I was somehow making myself unloveable or intolerable. So I sat with her; that voice. We processed it together. In the end, no. That fear was unfounded. And like a caterpillar becoming a butterfly, that trauma became stretch marks for self growth.
Did I have a fear that this would appear like it was me giving up "before I got good at something", like a former friend once accused me of? Sure. I'm not completely immune to social pressures. And I know that the percentage of hiring managers willing to gauge your worth as a complete entity instead of just dates and responsibilities on a resume is no higher than it is in the general population. So, it was a risk, on several levels. Was it worth it? Absolutely. And here's why.
I have added another layer to my sense of accomplishment and self validation. I have moved on from "finding your voice, 101" to "time, place, pitch, and volume, using your voice for you 201". I have also discovered that those who remain in my life are truly my support system. When I opened up to them about my actions, I was met with support. Several said they were proud of me for trusting my gut, and acknowledged how difficult that can be. More still wanted to celebrate with me for choosing not to make myself a different shape for the sake of an uncaring capitalistic system. Even my mother, with whom I've had a tempestuous relationship with for most of my life, commiserated with me and offered me ideas for my next step. As recently as last year, this news would have been met with criticism from her. To have her support me? I'm not sure who this woman is, but don't anyone dare go looking for the old one. I want to keep this version, please.
So, big news friends. I'm jobless. Happily so. Which is a couple sentences I'm sure are rarely strung together. And yet, it's so very true. Life is sweet when you share it with the right people, for the right reasons. Thanks for being here with me.

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