November 11, 2014

A Mania By Any Other Name


Day 6 of the sample pack.  It’s a little before 6:00 PM, and I’m still twitchy.  Not the bad, DTs kind of restless, but the I have more energy than I know what to do with sort.  This is a good thing, even if I look like an ADD kid off her Ritalin from the outside looking in.  I spent the entire day at work, where it was mostly slow thanks to the bank holiday, working and focused.  Well, as focused as I can be when surrounded by amazing coworkers.  (Seriously, I work with some hilarious and brilliant folks.)


This is a radical departure from yesterday.  It seems like most of the people I know felt like they had been ridden hard down a gravel road by sundown.  Thunderhead and I were no different.  I know I woke up, and went through a version of the all-too-familiar morning dry heaves, and the dread of shambling across the street to work.  (My commute is a total of 10 minutes from my front door to my desk by foot.)  The idea of handling other people’s problems all day, and then listening to some of my own because my brain decides to dial every criticism to 11 made me want to build a blanket fort and pretend nothing existed outside my 4 walls.  Thunderhead and I spent the evening glassy-eyes and sighing over our predicaments.  He had a terrible day at work as well, so neither of us could muster even an attempt at a smile.  We both drifted off into an uneasy sleep around 11:30.

As usual, I was up some hours later for an extended stretch.  If you need to know anything about an infomercial, or who’s got the best reruns during the wee hours, look me up.  I probably have your answers.  After playing about an hour’s worth of solitaire on my phone, and taking a few pointless “What kind of <blank> are you quizzes, my brain was sufficiently tired enough to get back to a light sleep around 4:00.

I hit the snooze button for half an hour in the morning.  Finally, I bundled up in my heaviest robe and slippers to let the dog water the fresh snow on the lawn around 7:10.  I got through my morning routine and made it to work with a few moments to spare, logged into the phones, and started what would end up being a relatively quiet day.

I was still going strong at quitting time.  I wasn’t yawning, or pining for the clock to roll over to 4:30 so I could mash the logout button and lurch home to collapse on the couch till bedtime.  

I’d spent part of my breaks earlier making calls to the local Mini dealership, trying to locate a part for my stereo.  The headphone jack that’s part of the assembly that allows me to connect my iPod to the car stopped working recently, and I wanted to see if I could replace it myself.  My research shows me that it’s a pretty easy thing to do.  All I’ll need is a screw driver and some patience to keep from snapping off the plastic tabs holding the steering column cover in place.  

I lucked out and our Mini store was able to find not only the part I needed, but the old and new part number.  Armed with that information, I crawled through the internet trying to find one a little cheaper than the one that the dealer sells.  After about 45 minutes, I finally settled for one off of Ebay.  It should arrive on the 18th.  Hopefully, it’s not so bone-chillingly cold that I can get the piece installed without the need of boxing gloves to keep my hands warm.  I’m actually looking forward to the challenge, and the sense of accomplishment getting this done both on the cheap, and by myself will bring.  

Another friend of mine is struggling with one of her friendships today too.  Without telling stories out of school, it seems the other person in the relationship is on a self-destructive jag and she’s mad, and upset, and feeling helpless.  I have the energy and the desire to listen to her, empathize, and do whatever I can to make it better, even if it’s not much.

I should rewind a bit to give these thoughts and actions some perspective.  A week ago, I was barely able to pry myself off the couch.  Ten days ago, I had to turn down plans with a friend of mine because the idea of leaving the house made my stomach impersonate one of the Amazing Flying Johnathans.  I shamefully admit I have spent time actively avoiding people because it just seemed too hard to interact with anyone.  So, to have thoughts about enjoying the future, and doing something without a safety net or pep squad effectively pushing me kicking and screaming out onto the field is a 180.

Has the idea that this is too much improvement too fast crossed my mind?  Absolutely.  After months of 200 mg of Zoloft fail to keep me functional, 10 mg of a new drug making this sort of different is, by all accounts, radical.  Am I worried this might be mania, or serotonin syndrome?  The thought has crossed my mind.  So, I’m watching myself for signs, and have asked those close to me, who have the most exposure to my behavior, to help me keep tabs on things.  I haven’t developed risky behavior, I’m not going on a wild spending spree.  I’m not violating anything vaguely phallic shaped.   So far, so good.  Tomorrow is my last 10 mg dose, so I’ll see if 20 mg changes things even more.  If it does, I’ll be mindful and informed.

Until then, I’m going to continue to call Viibryd the lint free cloth that cleaned the shit off my rose colored glasses.

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