February 3, 2014

How To Read Porn on Public Transportation

With the popularity of erotic novels like 50 Shades of Gray being what it is, it might be time for a refresher course in how and where to enjoy your naughty novels.  For the purpose of this guide, we shall assume that you'd prefer not to broadcast the subject matter of your reading material by brandishing the full color glossy cover of "ass to mouth MILFs monthly".


The easy suggestion to keep your lust on the down low is to read your smut of choice on an electronic device of your choosing.  Barring anyone catching a glimpse of the cover art, or reading over your shoulder without your noticing, e-readers are a covert pervert's best friend.  If you don't have an electronic device for your reading pleasure, you will have to try a little bit harder to keep your literature choice to yourself.

First, consider where you're located on the train or bus.  Try to choose a seat both away from the doors and facing the rear of the vehicle.  Those sitting near the entrance and facing the passengers as they board have a higher chance of making eye contact or having the new arrivals spot what's in your hands.  

Second, act natural.  Pulling up your collar, hiding your face in a hoodie, or letting your hair fall in your eyes might feel like you're making yourself inconspicuous, but it's a red flag to everyone who's looking not to get mugged on their way to their soul sucking job.  Behave like you belong there and you're not anyone to pay attention to and you're more invisible than you think.  

The majority of bodice ripper novels come in paperback form.  This makes curling the cover around the spine to conceal the title much easier than with a hardback.  For those who only need minimal concealment, this may be enough.  If you'd like to make doubly sure nobody knows what you're reading, try a fabric book cover with built in bookmark and carry handles.  Many fabric stores will have patterns for these in their learn to sew section.  If you're not interested in making one, just ask for paper instead of plastic the next time you're in the supermarket.  If a brown paper book cover worked for your schoolbooks, it's good enough for your porn as an adult.  

In short, do your best to find the Goldilocks zone.   There's a reason why eye witness testimony has a high rate of error; people don't tend to pay attention to their surroundings in as much detail as we think.  Chances are, unless the cover art of your book of choice includes a huge, throbbing schlong or gigantic type font talking about how much fucking goes on, people won’t give two shits about what you’re reading.  And that’s the best way to get away with reading porn in public, apathy.

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