April 23, 2013

Blog Post Creation in a Nutshell

How to write a blog post/short story

It's not easy to just dash off a blog post.  There's a real, well defined process to what it takes to go from "idea scribbled on a cocktail napkin" to published.  Everybody has a different system.  Here's mine.

  1. Change into comfortable clothes.  Sweatpants, bathrobe, or a muu-muu is perfectly acceptable.
  2. Sit down in front of computer.
  3. Open a blank google drive document.
  4. Check facebook.
  5. Check to see if that was your phone notifying you of a tweet, text, email, or facebook notification, or the neighbor slamming the door again.
  6. Double check the phone since you’re waiting to hear back from that person.
  7. Write your first sentence or thesis of what your post will be about.
  8. Spend half an hour trying to think up the wittiest opening line you’ve got.
  9. Stare at the wall for 2 minutes.
  10. Change the song on your playlist.
  11. Change the song on your playlist.
  12. Change the song on your playlist.
  13. Decide you need to hear more from the same artist and look them up on YouTube.
  14. Download several songs by the same artist and a few by others that were suggested by YouTube.
  15. Realize that it’s time to get back to writing when you find yourself watching  cyst removal videos.
  16. Write the first paragraph.
  17. Get up to get a beverage from the fridge.
  18. Realize it’s been 6 hours since you've seen the dog.
  19. Clean up the pile of shit in the living room and take the dog out to water the lawn.
  20. Answer the 4 texts that came in while you were briefly away from your computer.
  21. Come up with another great idea for a blog post and scribble it on the back of the envelope for the cable bill.
  22. Write the second, third, and possibly 4th paragraph.
  23. Lament over using the same word 6 times within the span of 4 sentences. 
  24. Consult thesaurus.com.
  25. Wind up on urbandictionary.com.
  26. Change three of the instances of the offending word. 
  27. Stare at the madness that is the blinking cursor in hopes of staring at the abyss, and hoping it will begin to stare back at you.
  28. Struggle over the final sentence, looking for one that ties up the entire article with a neat little bow, that delivers a punch, and conveys any intended lesson like an after school special.
  29. Give up and accept the vomit you've come up with anyway.
  30. Click “publish”.
  31. Wait 5 minutes or 7 page views (whichever comes first).
  32. First revision!
  33. Click “update”.
  34. Obsessively click “refresh stats” for the next 37 minutes.

And that is what it takes to write for Hurricane Ephemily.

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