February 6, 2013

It's isn't the size of your words, it's how you use them

When I was using OKCupid as a tool to meet people that I might have a romantic interest in, I included a bit in my profile about the criteria required if you wanted to talk to me.  It was as follows:

You should message me if you're interested. Easy as that. Thing is, all I ask is that you have the ability to use whole words, and have something to say other than "Hey gurl, ur prety. Wanna bang?"


I wasn’t too particular, but I did want someone who could express themselves with words.  Not just any kind of words either.  I wanted whole words.  Text speak drives me crazy, and not in the good, squirmy way either.  I may or may not still have some of the love letters I’ve been written over the years, or that I have written to others.  If I want to feel the emotions I did at the time when they were written, I’ll break them out and read them.  There’s a reason that the bodice ripper genre exists.  Generally speaking, women need their lovers to be in their heads, they need their brains to be engaged.  

In Target’s 2012 Christmas circular, they advertised J. K. Rowling’s latest novel right next to the Fifty Shades of Gray trilogy.  There’s a reason why that novel has sold over 17 million copies.  Women took to the nondescript cover art and have been happily reading it in droves.  Harlequin and other publishers have observed what classier looking covers can do for a book and have re-released many of their previously published books with new art.  The reason for the change was to appeal to the metropolitan woman who likes a little naughtiness for bedtime reading.  Fifty Shades might not be the page turner and ear heater for everybody, but it sure got America thinking differently about erotica.

Now, guys, I get why you might not turn to words as a means of seduction.  Science and the porn industry tell us that men are visual creatures.  Hell, if you want to bring another vice of sorts into the mix, men are better at video games than women because they can build better mental maps.  All of this explains why it isn’t atypical for a guy to want to sneak off and watch a woman in clear heels whip her hair all over the place and twirl around a pole when he’s feeling frisky.  So, in the strictest sense, Science has got your back guys.  If you suck at words, you’ve got an out.  But, this is why I think you should give it a go anyway.

You’ve heard the likes of Jeff Foxworthy talking about the difference between men and women regarding their libidos.  Men, he says, are very much like a firecracker.  It takes a very small amount of energy to light the  fuse and there’s a whole lot of mess and noise (and sometimes stink left lingering in the air) when they’re done.  He compares women to a diesel engine, and while I can see his point, I have a different perspective.

Women, on the other hand, are more like that 1 match campfire you’re supposed to be able to build when you’re in scouts.  You’ve got to get the tinder to take the spark, but you need the medium layer to hold the flame before the tinder burns itself out.  Once you’ve got that alight, you also need the logs to catch fire so you can have hours of heat and light.  From the match to the marshmallows, it’s a process.  A process which if done correctly, can keep you warm and satisfied until you drift off to sleep.  This.  This is what a woman can be if you take the time to devote your energy to the care and feeding of her needs.  

If I were a better wordsmith, I'd wax poetic about how engaging a woman's mind's eye is to them what eye contact is during a blowjob for a man.  I spent three fucking days trying to do just that, and I ran out of amusing boyscout camp and outdoorsy parallels.  I decided to give up and go back to gritty realism.  Guys, I know it doesn't come naturally, but you gotta trust me on this.  Generally speaking, women want you in their heads long before they'll let you in their panties.  

If you're resistant to putting pen to paper or fingers to keyboard because you think those who wield the pen are weak or froofy, I challenge you to consider this; Casanova was an author and got with so many women his name has become a noun regularly used to describe a womanizer.  Not that I'm urging you to make him a role model, but it flies in the face of the idea that poets and authors are cloistered virginal dandies.  If you're looking for a more salt of the earth or grease under your fingernails example, look no further than Charles Bukowski.  That ugly bastard had his share of conquests and lovers.  Prose is hot.  Hell, it’s worked on me before.  Tell me I’m on your bucket list and have been since high school and then write erotica about the two of us together?  Fuck yeah, that’s gonna turn on the panty faucets even if I don’t fantasize about being bent over a dumpster behind some diner downtown.  It’s still like plugging my libido into a 220 outlet and watching the fireworks.  

If you want a little less “Lie back and think of England” and a little more “Gimme a man after midnight”, nudge a couple of neurons.  Stroke some serotonin.  Indulge her with a bucket of dopamine.  Give her brain an erotic massage.  Words, it’s not the size of them that counts.  It’s how you use them.  

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