January 25, 2013

How To Piss Off A CSR

It’s Friday, and I’ve had a couple callers that did their level best to get under my skin today.  Rather than get my sweet sweet revenge in the way I wanted to.  (You know, like by using my mouth as a firehose to spray them with obscenities and question whether their parents were also cousins.)  I decided to type loudly and pound out a list of ways to piss off a CSR.  If it’s your purpose in life to be the bamboo under a phone jockey’s fingernails but you just don’t know how to manage it, here’s your starter lesson.

  • Call with your hair on fire saying you have an emergency, then, fall off the face of the earth.  I'm talking about going to the bathroom, grabbing a cup of coffee, or rolling your fat ass over to your neighbor's cube to talk about last night's American Idol.  Chances are, our tech isn't going to know what you look like, so if they stop by and you're not there, they won't recognize you if you're just a couple aisles over.  If you say it's an emergency and want us there in a flash, stay put.  If you cry wolf too many times. . . All I can say is that we're human, and some of us have looooong memories.

  • Put us on hold before you even talk to us.  Picking up the line to hear hold music is an auto-disconnect.

  • Offer “suggestions” or tell us what we’re doing as we’re helping you.  If you knew what the fuck you were doing in the first place, you wouldn't have called.  Obviously, we have to know a little more than you do, so sit in the passenger seat where you belong and enjoy the scenery.

  • Have someone else call for you, where they don’t know the details of the problem, or where you can’t be found for clarification or to actually work on the problem.  Let's not forget this either.  Call us from a location where you won’t be able to work on the problem such as the middle of the interstate, or from home when your problem is at your office.  There is absolutely nothing we can do, and we have metrics that we have to meet each month.  If you call and we can't resolve the problem for you, you're hurting us not because we don't have the skills, but because you can't be bothered to be in a place where we could actually try and get your problem solved with you.  That shit pisses us off.  Stop it.

  • In a similar vein, we have call times we're supposed to meet.  When you call with either a laundry list of shit that needs to be done, or if we dig up a bajillion other things that are wrong with your jankety computer, then we're going to stop giving it our all in order to cut the call as short as possible.  It's not you, it's us.  As in, sometimes our job is on the line because of our numbers.

  • Take or make a phone call with someone else while you’re on the phone with us while we’re trying to solve your problem with you.  If now's not a good time, ok.  Cool.  Call us back when you're ready to work with us and give us your full attention.  You'll earn our respect, and with that comes better service.  (Trust me on that.)  

  • Eat noisy food or sloppily chew gum while on the phone with us.  It's disgusting and disrespectful.  Every single one of us has more than once considered hanging up on you for doing it.  We can't say anything because we have limited permissions to exercise self respect, but we still loathe you.

  • Assume that CSRs don’t talk to each other by immediately calling back to talk to someone else when you don’t like the answer you get.  Generally, there's a sense of community in a call center.  We all know it's a shitty job some days.  There's an unspoken rule like the blue wall.  We're all going to toe each other's line.  Nice try, asshole.

  • Treat us like “The Help”.  Sure, there are some phone jockeys that make a little better than what your McServer makes to press little buttons with pictures of your combo meal on them.  But, some of us are paid pretty well.  If that's your system of judgement of what a person is worth, knock it off.  We're professionals just like you.  We're also human beings.  If you treat me like shit, I'm not going to lose sleep at night or doubt my self worth because of you.  But, I have a pretty good memory and can subtly alter the way I handle any and all calls from you in the future.  Is it petty?  Yeah.  Do I do it all the time?  No.  Have I done it in the past?  Yes.  Will I do it again?  Yup.

  • Assume that the speed of your computer is the only stat you need to base the performance of it on.  “It can’t be just my machine that isn’t loading your website.  I have a fast one.  It must be your servers.”.  Um. . .  No.  Let's talk about the 15 toolbars and 43 "speed up your computer" scams you've bought into that are loaded on your machine before we start blaming our setup.

  • It annoys me to no end when we get calls from our end users asking for assistance that is clearly not something we support.  For example, I spend my day supporting a website and two or three pieces of software that you can download from said website.  Yet, this doesn't stop some of our customers from calling in and insisting we troubleshoot why they can't send email from their AOL account, or why they can't get youtube videos to play.  Now, I get the idea that we're tech support, and that's tech related.  However, it's a bit like calling your gas company because the pilot light on your stove went out.  Yes, it's gas related, but you can't logically expect them to schedule a house call for something like that.  If you do, then you're an entitled twat who needs to reassess your boundaries, because you're overstepping them.

I’m sure I’ll come up with more for a second list.  Until then, feel free to use this as a starter pack for your own at home “how to be a douchebag to support people” kit.  Sunglasses at night and popped collars not included.  

No comments:

Post a Comment

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.