December 14, 2012

Movie Night With The Ex

I had this moment a week or so ago, when I was reminded exactly what kind of strange and wonderful life I’ve got.  My ex-husband and I started our divorce in late 2008.  Well, at least the emotional part.  Financially, we weren’t solvent enough to split.  So, we were trying to settle up some of our debts before we did the paperwork.  That led to some wild times at the house on Crown Point.  And by wild, I mean living in the same house with your soon-to-be-ex husband and his girlfriend.  That’s enough inspiration for many a Hollywood Tragicomedy.  Somehow though, we made it work.

Our split became legal in October of 2010.  (This was part of the Most Epic Week Ever.)  And ever since then, we’ve been better friends than we ever were lovers.

Occasionally, I’ll get texts asking if I’m up for sushi.  After fighting with me over the ick factor for years, he’s finally discovered the deliciousness that is this Japanese treat.  His current girlfriend doesn't care for it, so I get the invite.  Hey, I’m down.  Heck, Thunderhead and I both had sushi with the guy this last weekend.  It’s a strange and wonderful thing, not being mortal enemies with someone you should have shared a last name with.

However, I believe we have plumbed the depths of weirdness and found it to be covered in hair with this latest adventure.  It started with a text, like it always does.  He wanted to know if I had plans for dinner since he was on his own.   I had a pile of laundry and a pittance of money.  In the end, he offered to make some spaghetti, and I could take my laundry and the dog over to his place.  I’d get my laundry done, our two dogs could play (since he has custody of the Fat One now, it’s nice to have play dates for them both now and again.), and he’d have some company for dinner.

When I got there, I came to find out that his lady got out of work earlier than expected, so she had picked up a sandwich on the way home.  She’d be joining us for dinner, if not eating the pasta.  No biggie.  But it’s her suggestion of what to watch while we’re slurping down the Italian that makes this the story that it is.  

She looks over at him and has this look of excitement on her face.  “Oh my god.  We should watch that Dave Attel show!” she says.  He agrees.  I’m thinking it’s probably a standup comedy special, since that’s where I know the guy from.  Heh.  Nope.

The ex turns to look at me and asks, “You don’t have a problem watching porn, do you?”

About 5 different thoughts raced through my head like Indian food passing through John Pinette's colon; fast and loud.  No, I don’t have a problem watching porn.  I mean, who are you talking to?  I have a contingency plan in place that upon learning of my death, my best friend has to delete my internet history as soon as possible!  Why are you asking me?  Are you talking in general, or like, right now?  And do I want to know how this and Dave Attel, a hairy, balding mo-fo with the biggest nose west of Brooklyn, are related?  Will I be able to finish dinner if I find out?

So, I opted for an eloquent, “Noooooo.  Why?”.

Turns out, there’s a show on Showtime called “Dave Attel’s Old Porn.” that I had never heard of.  They’d been recording it, and thought it was one of the funniest things they’d ever seen.  Knowing that I don’t have typical sensitivities, and would probably howl with laughter just like they did, they thought they’d ask if I wanted to watch it.  Well, duh!  Of course I did!

Now, let me tell you about the show.  It strikes me as a love child of Talk Soup and Pop Up Video if they were in to baby oil and kinky sex.  Dave has this red couch, two guests, and reviews vintage porn for your viewing pleasure.  Now, to keep it “clean” the producers use the couch on a green screen to cover up any bits you can’t show without an NC17 rating or higher .  This means if parts are in motion, the couch is in motion, all scaled to size.  If you’re prone to motion sickness or fits of laughter, this might not be the show for you.

On this particular episode, they had Ginger Lynn as their guest.  So, of course, all of the movies they showed had her in it.  We got to see her first performance, and hear about what it was like on the set.  As luck would have it, they also chose her first “back door” scene to review.  All the while unshaven and un-augmented bodies bounced merrily along with bangs that didn’t.  

What struck me as unintentionally funny is the fact that both the stars of the shows being reviewed and I were making the same facial expressions.  Only, the “noodles” they were sucking on were much larger than mine.  

By the end of the evening, my laundry was done, my belly was full, the dogs were all tuckered out from playing, and I was trying to justify a subscription to Showtime for one lousy show.  Seriously, if you’re a fan of kitch, don’t mind a 70’s bush or two, and want a good laugh, this show was made for you.  

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