February 28, 2012

Death By Direct Mail

Dear local photographers,

Perhaps my previous heart wrenching and yet entirely false letter asking for you to stop sending me offers to have my non-existent child photographed at your studio missed the mark.  Actually, I know it did because I got my 9th one in the mail yesterday.  Seriously, you guys are better stalkers than some of the creeps I’ve met through online dating.  I mean, you’ve followed me for three addresses now!  

On top of this weird, clingy behavior of yours, you really need to check your sources when you buy these mailing lists of yours.  I’m very open about the fact that in 2008, I was sterilized.  At this point, it’s almost like a tagline:  “Ephemily; fixed but not declawed”.  You’re wasting money sending me this stuff.  Now, to be honest, that part doesn’t matter to me.  What does, however, is the fact that several of my mommy friends have commented that they don’t get these same fliers.  And let me tell you, they are getting pissed off that kids I don’t even have are getting more attention than their flesh and blood offspring.  (I worry about my safety, you know.  Angry Mommies scare me.)  I mean, what message does that send?

Think about it.  Your fliers appeal to the vanity in your potential clients.  You want them to cling to the belief that their child is so attractive that Americans who don’t even know them will put up shrines in their living rooms to them.  So, when you repeatedly send these appeals for “baby model search 2012” to a childless woman, you’re telling everyone else, “Fuck you AND your crotch dropping.  Her potential is better than what you already have.  We’ll wait.”.  Is that really how you want to treat your audience?  And this is coming from a government help desk employee with visions of grandeur to become a BOFH, don’t forget.  

In the end, I’m asking the same as I have been from the beginning; take me off your mailing lists, please.  I can promise you that your money will serve you better spent elsewhere.

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