January 1, 2012

I Remember, I Regret

I came across this as I was cleaning up more of my work recently.  I think you can see the rational mind trying to bubble up from the teenage angst here.  It's interesting to go back and see the birth of personality, don't you think?

9  .  1  .  96
I remember I regret
I regret
leaning, arms crossed against the trunk of my car
parked on the shoulder of the highway
staring up

the band of the milky way so bright
against a rare black sky
the stars and planets actually twinkled
and I waited when I should have enjoyed
a warm and strangely misty night
you were caught in wonderment
I was caught in worry, again about time

the thoughts sting to remember
chasing you back in the car
and promise of next time is hollow

Time, and being “responsible” “adult”
kept me
from doing only what I enjoy most
losing myself
divorcing everything but
it would have been you and me
a road, the radio, the stars

the placid in me
took leave this summer
purpose drove me
activity called to me
I lost my soul, my county
City took over
black to hide the dirt
paints and dyes to hide the age

when we chased the rain
the glorious walls of clouds
red and yellows electricity framed the sky
I remembered the thrill
something new something old

that evening, it was your turn
your right to lean in and put down your smile
you night to think and be mellow

we hid while the citronella chased the bugs away
as comfortable as one can be
in a large tin can
we, again, watched the sky
and you reminded me
with your one bit of humor that night
to “keep looking up”

I remember I regret
not getting lost
being all too serious
all too “eastern” full of myself

I dream of your huge white blanket.  Remember
playing peek-aboo
the idea of tag-team bubble-bobble
I hear you saying
“Ducktails woo woo” in my sleep

I remember I regret
sitting in the chair in the corner with my feet tucked up under
falling asleep in your bed alone
clamming up
curling in a ball

at night here, at day here
defensive to anyone who flirts too close
I sleep, arm over a pillow,
surrogate #2

your picture, our picture
your flowers in my planner
I hide behind
hold out before me for all to be told
to boys who come to steal me away
it’s all I know

I keep your word with me always
folded in my pouch
it’s with me, in my left hand or pocket

I remember I regret
all the time I held my tongue
all the times I stuck my foot in my mouth

Simple language says all I can
bare and honest truth

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