I Remember, I Regret

I came across this as I was cleaning up more of my work recently.  I think you can see the rational mind trying to bubble up from the teenage angst here.  It's interesting to go back and see the birth of personality, don't you think?

9  .  1  .  96

I remember I regret

I regret

standing

leaning, arms crossed against the trunk of my car

parked on the shoulder of the highway

staring up

the band of the milky way so bright

against a rare black sky

the stars and planets actually twinkled

and I waited when I should have enjoyed

a warm and strangely misty night

you were caught in wonderment

I was caught in worry, again about time

the thoughts sting to remember

chasing you back in the car

and promise of next time is hollow

Time, and being “responsible” “adult”

kept me

from doing only what I enjoy most

losing myself

divorcing everything but

it would have been you and me

a road, the radio, the stars

the placid in me

pacific

took leave this summer

purpose drove me

activity called to me

I lost my soul, my county

City took over

black to hide the dirt

paints and dyes to hide the age

when we chased the rain

the glorious walls of clouds

red and yellows electricity framed the sky

I remembered the thrill

something new something old

that evening, it was your turn

your right to lean in and put down your smile

you night to think and be mellow

we hid while the citronella chased the bugs away

as comfortable as one can be

in a large tin can

we, again, watched the sky

and you reminded me

with your one bit of humor that night

to “keep looking up”

I remember I regret

not getting lost

being all too serious

all too “eastern” full of myself

Lie

I dream of your huge white blanket.  Remember

playing peek-aboo

the idea of tag-team bubble-bobble

I hear you saying

“Ducktails woo woo” in my sleep

I remember I regret

sitting in the chair in the corner with my feet tucked up under

falling asleep in your bed alone

clamming up

curling in a ball

at night here, at day here

defensive to anyone who flirts too close

I sleep, arm over a pillow,

surrogate #2

your picture, our picture

your flowers in my planner

I hide behind

hold out before me for all to be told

to boys who come to steal me away

it’s all I know

I keep your word with me always

folded in my pouch

it’s with me, in my left hand or pocket

I remember I regret

all the time I held my tongue

all the times I stuck my foot in my mouth

Simple language says all I can

bare and honest truth