December 31, 2011

Conversations Over Dinner & A Boyz II Men Goodbye


8  .  21  .  96
Conversations Over Dinner & A Boyz II Men Goodbye

“no no… you talk about yourself”
& you pause to tell me that came out wrong
I understood.  No insult, no injury
“What I mean is that you talk around how you feel.”
through a mostly chewed mouthful of shrimp.

I guess I didn’t know

“now that I think about it, there are two of me”
you raise your eyebrow and put down your scallop
“There’s mousy me & the loud obnoxious me”
I’m the mouse tonight
pick, pick
“excuse me miss!  Could I have some more lemon?”

The evening is warm
and by hook or by crook we made it!
Well, we made half our plans
Quasi will have to wait
for video it seems

We hold hands on the drive to your car

You follow me home, the first time your car is in my drive.
As you step out of your car
“Do you really find it necessary to drive 85 down the highway?”
“Don’t be silly.  I was only doing 70.”
“No, that was definitely 85.”
“Huh...  My speedometer must be off...”

Clunk
I throw my shoes on the radiator

So I’m sitting on the couch
stretched out really
barefoot
with a blanket over my legs

with newly found VCR remote in hand
we play video clue
and candyland for ages 3-6
“Come on… Humor me.”
I whine and grumble
probably more than I should
but play

All the while I wonder many insecurities
will you honestly miss me?
Oh god I hope
one sided love is the pits

& we pseudo spoon
me on my back and you on your side

& it smacks me
right upside the head
how much I love your body and how you hold it against me
how well I know your eye color
            caramel brown and the lids just barely cover the pupils’ edge.
How good you smell tonight
these things I could never say
I’m awful with compliments
they always come out wrong

after you’ve warned me you’re turning the light on
we stand there
I want to cling to you, pretend I don’t have to leave
            I’m not actress and I can’t’ forget
my thoughts timed to a funeral dirge

“ya have a Boyz II Men cd?”
“No”
and I think, that was my graduating class’ song, or was it 94’s.
“Do you mean it?”
“what?”
“Your Boyz II Men reference.”
Silence
yes by default

we walk, disheveled, and more than a little sad
through my dark house
towards the all too symbolic looking front door.
I walk out with you
to your brand new car
            I’m so happy for you
            I’m so happy with you

I wobble a little, my bare feet on cement
your eyes are darker and at half mast
            from both sentiment and fatigue

neither of us want for you to open that door
that really would be goodbye
I think so loudly, I’ll miss you
“well,” you start, “we’ll always have e-mail”
you and I both give a well educated laugh
not enough
“that is” I declare “I’m sending you a phone card.”
that seemed to go over well.

Somewhere, I forget exactly when
but you who closes up tight
rarely lets down your guard
admit to me first, in a real voice,
“I love you.”
I am stunned I am shocked
I hold you closer and confess the same

“Now, no messing around at school.”
“ok”
“Well, I don’t know what you want...”
“you.”
“huh?”
“I want you.”
sigh

I made you swear and promise me
            no cheerleaders
and you argued that if you couldn’t have cheerleaders
I could have no lesbians.
Agreed love.

You’re tired and you work at noon
but my spirits rise when
you swear you’ll try extra hard
to rise from the dead to see me off in the pre-dawn morning
I’ve never had a send off
not a welcome home crowd of 1-20
it’s hope
assurance that I matter

you climb in your car
kiss me once more and I step back just to look at you
you mouth the words
“I love you” and I
“I love you too.”
knowing it must end sometime
you start your car and I turn around
clutching the always-too-long sleeves of my dress
I walk through my front door as you pull through the gate
I turn out the lights and lock the door
closure
for the evening, only the evening.

My last 3:00 a.m.  getting home night is over
I walk upstairs to my room
and the stairs creak as usual
my room, I grab a shirt and boxers
change
a sophomore in college
18 years old & I grab my teddy-bear
surrogate
I climb in bed
& lay on my side
fetus like

my left hip is tight
reminding me of the shot in the arse
I got for when I come home
Lisa’s quote comes to mind and I smile
looking forward, past the future,
to them both.

Till next & ever




he watches her
as she folds at the waist and grabs her feet
her hair slides over itself as she looks up
the dimmest ray of light
refracts in her eyes
tonight, they are watery blue

she gives him that womanlook
endearing, I love you, melt with me
from and independent part-time feminist

already, you own me
so long as I can
you
body, mind, soul

I work with you
you laugh with me
I teach you what I know
you spoil me rotten

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