August 9, 2011

Dirty Laundry List

Lately, I’ve had dating on the mind. Well, maybe not so much dating as all the near misses I’ve had in the last year.  I think it might have something to do with my sister having her first baby, and seeing her just aglow with emotions I didn’t even know existed.  I’m feeling a little left out, to be honest.  Yes, I know.  I’m a horrible person to make this happy moment about me.  We all do it, and this is why there’s a killing to be made in therapy private practice.  Indulge me.  This is cheaper than sitting on a couch for 50 minutes.

I adore my oddball life.  Stem to stern, I like who I am.  But, I’m kinda tired of living it by myself.  Sure, over the years, I’ve had some special moments.  I’ve been someone’s first love, first lover, a dream girl, a childhood crush who swam out of memory larger than life, and the one who got away.  I’ve been a secret keeper, a mentor, and inspiration to look to on how to maintain during dark times.  I value all of these experiences and their ability to teach life lessons.  However, if I may put on a cardboard pity party hat for a moment, it doesn’t help me feel less alone.

So, I’ve been looking.
 I’ve since thrown my garter into the ring and have been on the dating market.  I put together a profile on a couple sites, but ended up having the best feeling about OKCupid. com.  (It has numbers and science and stuff!)  I’ve met a ton of people both online and in person.  I had a brief relationship with a delicious younger man that sadly ended before I thought it ever got started.  But, since then, it’s been a series of first and maybe second dates.  In that time, I have collected a mass of stories.  I thought since I do live such a weird and wonderful life, I should share them since they don’t even sound real.  (I’m not this creative, so I assure you, these have all happened.)

I remember being told by a guy I’d known for ages, not long after I’d filed for divorce, that he’d had a crush on me since he’d known me.  While that wasn't so odd, the fact that he then went on to say he wanted to wear me like a coat was.  To this day, I have some really interesting mental images that are a cross between the Far Side cartoons, and parts of Silence of the Lambs that made it to the cutting room floor.

There was another lovely exchange with a gentleman who had polar opposite views on life that was arguing with me on why I turned him down with a “Thanks, but no.  But, good luck!”.  I understand putting forth a valiant effort to get noticed, but when you turn it into an electronic shouting match, you're not gonna go home with too many women.  

I had a chat with a guy who told me, within moments of initiating the conversation, that he needed to be in therapy since his dad used to beat him with a hairbrush, and his ex-girlfriend tried to kill herself because of him.  Why, you might ask?  What heinous thing could he have possibly done?  He went to Taco Bell without her.  

This is why the block function exists ladies.  This Hot Mess right here.

I had the single father of 2 girls who’d been divorced for 6 years tell me that I was only “acting out” as he called it because I was recently divorced.  Eventually, I’d start being more “normal” and that it was all an phase.  This same guy, while currently unemployed, was telling me he knew more about desktop computers than I did.  Bear in mind, I've been working in the IT industry as some flavor of desktop PC tech for the better part of the last 12 years.  

Though, the real kicker was when he held my feet to the fire and said I needed to tell him if I wanted to meet him in person or not.  Yes, this was all before we even met!  I believe his words were something like “You need to decide if this is going to work.  Think on that and let me know tomorrow.”  Um, work?  We haven't even met and you're worried about if this is going to work or not?  And what's with the short deadline?  ooooookay.  

We’d previously been communicating through IM during the day.  In the day of the deadline, my new boss was in the office, So I logged out so as not to give a bad impression.  Apparently, he took my not being logged in that day  as my answer rather than entertaining other possible reasons.  For one,  I wanted to give him my full attention rather than split it between him and work because I was going to be telling him things I knew he didn't want to hear.  That was even before my new manager decided to walk through the office.  

This guy got his panties in a twist and wrote me a lovely nastygram about how this is why people fade away on me.  He also, “just wanted to know why I’d up and done it” to him like that.  Whoa crazypills.  I hadn’t completely made up my mind yet.   I was at WORK, you know, that thing you don’t currently do?  However, I was still on the fence until I read your rant.  That made up my mind that you’re unstable and I’m going to pass on getting on that trainwreck express.

Speaking of certifiable, let me tell you about the 30 something almost virgin who fell in love with me from afar. Many girls would think this is sweet.  That longing can be a drug, I know.  I've been there, and rehab for it is a bitch.  Thing is, this guy was EVERYWHERE online.  He'd IM me the moment I signed in.  He'd text me as soon as I logged off.  He'd send me messages on my favorite social networking site, and constantly stalk my profile on OKCupid to see if I'd made any changes.  If he saw me logged in there (which he would since I was on his favorites list) he'd send me a message there too.  Occasionally, that level of attention is nice.  When it's constant, it gets annoying and creepy in a hurry.   What finally did it was when I told him I was exhausted, and wanted a night where I could unplug and turn in early.  I got home, checked my social network sites, my OKCupid profile, and planned on going to bed before the sun even set.  Before I could do that, I got a message on the dating site, AND a text asking what I was up to.  Bear in mind, this was 2 hours after I said I wanted to be left alone for the night.  That did it.  He got blocked 8 ways till Sunday.  (Ladies, this is why having Google Voice is awesome.  You have control over which numbers get through and which ones go to your spam list.)  I'm not the type to block for just any infraction, and tend to have a very long fuse, but this guy used all his chances.  E ain't playin'.

Let’s not forget about the multiple first messages that were just...  WAY out there.  Like the couple that were pretty much “Hey gurl, lemme come over, give you a massage, and you can give me a blowjob.”  Or, the ever creative “Would you please make me your bitch?”.

How about the white collar guy who, at first, came off as extremely mild mannered, but then got really freaky.  He was just sure that he'd be the one to teach me about emotions, and I'd be the one to teach him about sex.  He decided we should start this by asking me to send him photos of my underthings and write him a message about how I’d make him watch me fuck another guy.  Again, this is before I even met the guy in person.

Wait, wait, it gets better.  What about the guy who lived about 4 hours away that liked to have freaky, nasty, cybersex and then discuss his magnum opus novel about a fictional serial killer as pillow talk?  Now, don’t get me wrong, serial killers are an interest of mine, and there’s a link between sex and violence.  We stopped talking because I somehow crossed the line between aggressive and dominating.  It was too much text for him, apparently.  But, you have to admit, it’s not exactly a typical experience most people have.  For me?  Yeah, totally normal.  

I can’t go without mentioning the bisexual man who openly fantasized with me about how he’d like to have a “sandwich” where he was was in the middle of a sandwich of me and some as yet to be named other man.  Oh yeah, that sounds hot.  I crave some dude on dude action with a guy I barely know.   

I don’t call them horror stories.  I don’t call them even bad guys.  I call them odd experiences, near misses, and in some cases, close calls.  I’m thankful for the attention and the interest.  I guess I’d feel worse without it, like it was more me than them, you know?  And I can’t place all the blame on everyone else.  Meeting people is tough, even if you’re comfortable in your own skin.  I’m just holding out hope that I eventually meet a person who’s interested back that makes me want to "use my words" to let everyone know how lucky I am.

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