January 31, 2011

How NOT to Compose a First Message

I know I've already written something about how not to flirt online.  I wanted to follow that up with a This is a Bad Idea lesson for your first message.

What brought this on was my getting this in my inbox this evening.

I'm going to throw this out there. I'm thinking you need the most amazing back massage you've ever had and I need the most amazing blow job I've ever had! lol.. You should come over and we can get started! 

 Bwahahahahah!  Um.  No.
  Not that I'm disgusted by the idea, or insulted that you desire my mouth on your penis.  Hell, I'm pretty sure it would be the best head you'd ever gotten.  What makes me laugh is that this is your opening line.  This is the first impression of yourself that you want to give a woman.  Especially this woman who says, and I quote "If you're not in my head, you're not in my skirt".

The sad, and hopefully surprising thing is that this is not the first time I've gotten this message.  Well, not this exact one, but ones very similar.  For those of you out there who have or are thinking of trying this, here's why it doesn't work.

A) I am absolutely not going to allow you into my house as a first meeting.  Any woman with a brain in her head will feel the same way.  We will meet somewhere in public.  If you're not ok with that, then we're not meeting.

B) What kind of woman are you looking for if she responds to this?  Obviously not someone who gives a shit about herself.  I'm not one to immediately get on my knees just because someone finds me sexually attractive.  This will sound conceited, but I can go to Barnes and Nobel and have one of the Nook salesmen fawn over me, or go to Old Chicago's and have the waiter try and pick me up.  I'm not centerfold material, but I'm not hurting for attention either.  Sorry bub, just because you hit me up doesn't mean I'm going down.

C) What makes you think you could keep up with me? Not worth my time if your bluster is all you've got.  If I want 2 pump chumps, I've got phone numbers I can call.

D) Obviously, you only looked at my photo as I state quite clearly that I'm not interested in hookups.  I'm in this to find someone to share my intellect, my time, and eventually my body with.  For someone who's more interested in your mind than your manhood, your approach about the fastest way to get shot down.

E) Lastly, your approach is like gunning it to beat a red light right in front of a speed trap, and I'm the cop.  You might not know it, but if I see your profile get reported now, I'm more likely to vote to have you deleted since I know you have a pattern.  Being a moderator has its privileges.

I guess, for me, what it comes down to is if this is the best you've got, then I feel sorry for you.  I'm not attracted to people I pity. So, I suggest taking your act on the road.  Try not to speed.


  1. Guys who make posts like this are playing a numbers game. The faceless anonymity of a dating site allows people to contact dozens (possibly hundreds) of people simultaneously (copy+paste) with no risk of rejection. Even if 99% of people react to his message the way you did, he still wins. He's not trying to talk you into something so much as weeding you out from the women who are already inclined to accept his offer. ;)

  2. you need to send the people who send you messages like that a link to this blog so that they may learn the error of their ways ^_^

  3. I have met women who would accept that offer. They make my meager maternal instincts kick in and it's all I can do to resist doing everything in my power to save them from themselves. They've got to make their own mistakes.


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